Milestones.

In January my son hit a milestone that I never even gave much thought to:

Halfway to Graduation Day.

His teacher brought it to my attention in an email to parents.  In that message he asked that the parents write a letter to their child to receive during their upcoming Halfway to Graduation Day celebration.  As many of you know, I have written many letters to my kids over the years. Letters that express a variety of things but mainly my observations about who they are and my hopes for them in the year ahead.  I was excited to receive a request for a new letter from Boo's teacher. It gave me an excuse to look back in the Kazoofus archives at what I have written in the past.  It also gave me the opportunity to express this:

Dear Boo,

You might not be aware of this but I have written you several letters over the years.  While I haven't been consistent, I have typically written them to you at the start of a new school year.  I looked back at these old letters and found that I wrote one for your first, second, fourth and fifth grade years.  While they weren't usually written in a way that would be easy for an elementary age child to comprehend, I used the letters to capture  my observations of you and my hopes for you in the year ahead. I also used them to guide me through the year. To remind me of all you are capable of and all that you have yet to achieve.

This letter is kind of a hodgepodge of past letters, but it also looks a bit further into the future to share with you some of my bigger hopes and dreams for you.

I can't believe you are halfway through your educational years.  Does it feel like you have been in school forever? Does it feel like time is flying by?  When I was a child the adults around me often told me that my youth would go by quickly.  They encouraged me to enjoy it as much as possible because it would be over fast.  I think they were right in some ways.  It does go quickly and there are so many things to do and see and explore as a child.  Things you don't want to miss.  But for me, I think YOUR childhood has gone faster than my own ever did.  These years, your years, your youth is flying by me faster than I can believe. It seems like just yesterday you were 2 years old, screaming your head off and trying to cling to me as I dropped you off at daycare.  I don't exactly MISS those moments but it is hard to believe that they are gone forever.


Over the years, I have often found myself wondering how to parent such a lively and spirited child. Your resistance to accept things just because someone said it was so, has challenged me to provide explanations of why certain things are important.  You have completely changed how I dialogue with people by questioning nearly everything that comes out of my mouth.  This has provided for some challenging moments but it has also provided us some great opportunities to discuss topics in a larger and more meaningful way. It has reminded me that what is important to me, isn't always as important to others around me. If it is even important to them at all.  While it has been unintentional, you have really taught me a lot about dealing with other people.

This year, in your 6th grade of school, I became keenly aware of something that I had never previously realized. It was eye-opening in so many ways and while I haven't fully determined how to use this newfound knowledge, I have a better sense of how I want to care-take our relationship and help you grow in the future.

What I learned is that you and I are a lot alike.

I have banged my head against countless walls trying to figure out how you got to be so headstrong.

• Who in the world taught you to question things and not settle for answers like "because I said so" and "because I'm the mom."?  
• How do I teach you to be more agreeable?  
• How do I teach you to respond with "yes, ma'am" or "no sir" and not "why?" or "I don’t want to do that"?
• How do I teach you to sit down, stop talking and get your homework done?  
• How do I teach you that socializing happens after work is complete?

There is no changing who you naturally are.  

I can’t believe I’m going to quote Lady Gaga but here it goes:

Baby, you were born this way.  

These characteristics are your strengths.  They are what will shape you as a person for years to come and there is no undoing these things. This is you. This is it. This is what I and your teachers and everyone else around you has to live with, teach, develop and inspire.

Let me be clear that these are not bad things. Questioning things is most definitely a strength so long as you use this strength in a positive way.  As your mom it is my job to teach you how to question without being defiant, how to express yourself without sounding arrogant or disrespectful, and how to organize yourself, prioritize and focus to get important work done so that you have more time to play and socialize.

If we were to make a list of all of your personality traits, I could probably give you examples of how I have personally used each to succeed or fail at various things in my life.  And while that might be an interesting exercise for me, my hope is that in the weeks, months and years ahead, you will take notice of how your personality traits help or hurt you depending on how you choose to use them.

I am so proud of who you are and all you have accomplished in your first 12 years.  I can't wait to see what the next 12 brings us.

Much love,

Mama

Dear Outlaw,

Our life together flashed before my eyes as I laid on the clinic floor with you today.

I remember the nights when you would lay next to me on the floor as I cried myself to sleep.  Today I laid on the floor and cried you to sleep. It was the last place I ever wanted to be but I couldn't have been anyplace else.

I have years of incredible memories thanks to you.  Years of fetching, camping, hiking and running.  Years of watching the kids chase you around the pond playing capture the lion. They had no idea you were capturing them.

You were the best travel companion I could have ever asked for. Your big wagging tail, greeting everyone we met along the trails made me proud to be on the other end of the leash. 

My heart is heavy, but my memories of you are full. You really were the greatest Outlaw that ever lived.

RIP, beautiful boy.

Outlaw

Love you forever,
KathyHowe

I had a dream.

The other night I had a dream that was as vivid as it was bizarre. I thought about it all day and tried to make heads or tails of what it meant. I haven't finished analyzing it yet because every time I think about it I remember more details and I find myself noodling over the color of the shirt the guy was wearing or the way the other person wore her hair.

I'm going to try to document the dream here without doing any analysis and without getting too deep in the details.  I'll be interested to hear from my analytical friends about what they think of this one. 

Here it goes.

It started with me at a restaurant, in a bar area overlooking the restaurant lobby. The waitress in that bar lobby was practically running through the bar at a frantic pace trying to take care of everyone but there were probably only 5 people total in that room.  Six if you count the bartender and 7 if you count her. Her speed was excessive and unnecessary.  She was also the meanest damn waitress I have ever encountered. She snarled and made shitty comments to everyone about everything.  When she didn't have something mean to say directly to someone she mumbled under her breath. She was pure evil and she was out of place in a restaurant with a calm ambiance. 

I was waiting for co-workers, specifically, my team and they slowly started to arrive one at a time. I was talking to 2 of them and one of them mentioned that a 3rd co-worker wouldn't be joining us.  They had a cold or the flu and didn't want to expose us to their germs.  At the moment they were finishing that explanation another co-worker walked in the door, looked around, appeared to see the bar to their right then proceeded to go forward towards a window, a bit to the left of the lobby and pull out their cell phone.

I approached this co-worker to let them know where the rest of us were and they said, "there has been an accident" as they pointed out the window that was essentially a wall.  They proceeded to make a phone call, apparently to the police.

By the time I turned around the other two co-workers were already out the door and headed towards the accident.  I wasn't far behind but was slowed down by the fact that I was dressed in pumps and the sidewalk was the equivalent of an ice skating rink.  The fact that I was headed down a hill on this lengthy patch of ice didn't help but I did manage to slide down the sidewalk to the intersection where there had appeared to be an accident.

When I got to the corner there were 2-3 men standing on the corner and they were all police officers.  They were looking at the accident scene which upon closer inspection puzzled me.  The scene was a dark grey minivan that was pointed kitty wompas (spelling?) on the street, sort of towards the sidewalk I was on and every door on that van was wide open.  There was not a single scratch or dent on that van that I could see and as I scanned the vehicle for signs of trauma I realized that in the backseat of the minivan was a small child strapped into a car seat.  I looked back at the officers as if to say with my eyes "WHY THE FUCK IS THAT BABY THERE UNATTENDED" but I (and they) said nothing.  The baby was calm and appeared to be uninjured so I walked around the front of the van to the other side of the street.

As I got across the street I noticed the weather had changed. It had gone from cold and icy to warm and rainy. I inspected that side of the vehicle, observed more onlookers that were standing at a distance from the vehicle but nobody was saying a word or doing anything other than staring at the minivan.

As I looked around I couldn't figure out who in the crowd might have been the driver and as I scanned the crowd I noticed a small river behind me along that same side of the road.  It was almost like a pool in that it was very clear water and not a weed or fish or any sign of life in the water.  I don't know if someone said something about the driver being a single mother or if I wondered if it was a mother but somehow the idea of a single mother being the driver came into my dream. 

I decided to walk down the street, back towards the restaurant in the grass along the river.  I was weaving around people who were continuing their silent observation of the scene.  As I walked, it continued  warm drizzling rain and I found a spot where the river seemed to end.  I also noticed that I was suddenly barefoot and the water from the river (and possibly the rain) had made the grass I was walking in very soggy and my feet were sinking into a warm mixture of water, mud and grass.

As I walked around the end of the river to the other side, I was greeted by a tall blonde male in khaki shorts, a pale blue shirt. He had a large white bucket with him and as I rounded the corner and found myself face to face with him, he extended his hand. I took his hand and he guided me to walk along that opposite side of the river ahead of him. He held the bucket up over my head and when I asked why he was doing that he said it was to keep me dry.

"Won't the bucket get heavy if it fills with rain?" I asked.

He said it might but that he was prepared if it did.

I suggested that the bucket over my head wasn't necessary but he continued to walk a half step behind me holding the bucket over my head as we walked along the river back towards the car.

I remember knowing him in my dream but in real life, I don't know who he was.  He was kind, quiet, boyishly cute.

We got to a part of the river which again seemed more like a pool. It was 6 feet deep at most but generally appeared to be about 4 feet on average.  We didn't walk far when I noticed a man in the water. He was wearing khaki gear, much like what you would see someone wear on safari. He had on a safari hat.  He had on hip waders although he was in that water WAY deeper than the hip waders covered.  He also had a very long and thin piece of rope in one hand and he was carefully holding one end of it over the water. It really looked like string. There was nothing to it. Thin and fragile looking.  Suddenly a very large seal dove up out of the water next to the man. It was enormous and I noticed that the other end of this string was tied very loosely around the seals nose.  I wondered how an animal that big could maneuver in such shallow waters but the seal seemed friendly and in control as it dove in and out of the water slowly with the man on the other end of the string.

I asked the boyishly cute boy what the story was with the man and the seal.

"They are trying to find her" he said.

"They think she's in the water." he continued.

"They don't think they are going to find her alive." he finished.

I really had no grasp of who she was. My immediate thought was "Christ. It is pool water. Get the seal out of there and fucking LOOK for her." and as I thought that thought, I turned, looked behind me in the water and there she was. A lifeless body at the bottom of the pool. 

She was probably my height, dressed in black and had long brown or black hair.  She was older than me but probably not by much.  When I saw her I thought back to the minivan with the doors open and thought yup. This is her. This is the person that should be driving that baby someplace.

My heart sank as I slowly walked to the man with the seal on the string.  I bent down towards the water near him and whispered, "She's there" and pointed to where I saw her. I told him the seal was overkill.  He let go of the string and as the seal swam off in the other direction the man, without saying a word,dove into the water and swept up the lifeless body.  I suspect he brought her out of the water but that is where the dream ends. At least what I remember of it now.

If I could draw or paint I could paint a picture of this dream. It was so vivid it was like watching a movie. 

Dream analyzers? Start your engines.

For dreamers. And Tech Support.

Last night in a dream someone said to me "The first level of Tech Support is self help. We won't help you until we're thoroughly convinced that you tried to help yourself first."

Prompt 30: One Word

Earlier this month, we wrote about our one word to describe 2011. Today, let's write about our one word for 2012. What word do you want to use to describe how you will approach 2012?

Will it be awesome? Will it be frugal? Will it be open? Will it be the year of yes? What is your 2012?

This may sound selfish or self-centered but 2012 is the year of KathyHowe.  It is the year in which I reclaim things that I feel I lost or gave up in recent years.  It is the year that I reconnect with myself and my beliefs.  It is the year that I reconsider where I am and where I want to be.

One "word" for 2012 is KathyHowe.

2012 is going to be my year.

Prompt 30: Future Self

Today, write a letter to yourself to read on 12/30/12. Write about what you have accomplished. Write about who you are and who you have become. Write a wishlist.

Is writing a letter to yourself too cheesy? Write about how you would like your life to be different than it is now at this time next year. Or write about what you would like to have stay the same.

When I read that I should write a letter to my future self I had an immediate idea for what I would write but it isn't exactly in line with the prompt.  Then I remembered that writing prompts are supposed to get us thinking of topics to write about. They aren't directives on exactly what we need to write. So with that idea I now present, a letter to myself. Past, present and future.


Dear KathyHowe,

Remember when you were a kid and you couldn't even begin to imagine what your life would be like as an adult?  You couldn't imagine having kids and you couldn't imagine not having them. Married? Not married? You had no vision of what that would look like.

When you thought of what your career might look like as an adult your thoughts almost immediately shifted to school.  Do you remember hating school, KathyHowe?  Yes. Of course you do.  Your mom, who has the greatest sense of humor in the world had the words "WHEW! You made it! Congratulations, Kathy!" written on your graduation cake.  It was as funny as it was true.  You graduated near the bottom of your class.

Fast forward twenty plus years to this very moment. 

KathyHowe? If this were football someone would be slapping your ass for all the field goals you have kicked. Life isn't what we imagine it to be, it is what we make it be. And that plan doesn't have to be particularly well laid out.

Keep making life great and don't ever get too hung up on the details. It has and will continue to unfold in ways that will astonish you.  Be open to the possibilities.  Believe in the unknown. Believe in what you cannot always see.

Believe you are worthy and believe in YOU.

On 12/30/2012 I want you to write me a story about how these ideas panned out for you because if my instincts are right, 2012 is going to be a kick-ass year for you.

Much love,
KathyHowe

Prompt 29: Let go

Today's prompt is brought to you by Krissie from Questions for Dessert and @krissieb.

 

Letting go can be hard. We get comfortable in our current situation. We have a tendency to repeat the same behaviors and patterns even when we know they are not in our best interest. Sometimes we hold on to relationships, dreams, feelings, or stuff just because we can't let go.

 

But letting go sometimes is what we need to do.

 

What did you let go of in 2011? What was the experience like? How is your life different today? Do you ever regret it?

 

If not, is there something that you need to let go of in 2012? What scares you about that possibility? What situation do you need to create for that to happen?

I let go of feeling obligated to do social things. Particularly social things that conflicted with my workout schedule or plans. 

This was good for me because I was able to focus on doing some things that I enjoy and I tried a few new things that I learned to love. And I met some really great new people along the way.  I had some fun experiences in 2011, including going over the bars on my mountain bike which actually lead me to some really great new things like my personal trainer and monthly maintenance visits with the chiropractor.

Prompt 28: Five things

Take today to jot down five memories that you would like to never forget about 2011. Try to write about five things you haven't shared yet, but if you need to repeat, that's OK!

There weren't a lot of monumental or life changing moments in 2011 but a few things that I want to remember, or better yet, a few things I want to take away from the year are as follows:

1. Don't ever let the beliefs of another person wear you down. Speak up or move on.
2. The word "no" is sometimes the greatest word in the dictionary.
3. Take more pictures of the kids. You really sucked at this in 2011, KathyHowe.
4. Airplane mode on the iPhone isn't just for airplanes anymore. Embrace random nights to yourself fully.
5. Smoothies are damn easy to make and damn delicious. More smoothies in 2012!

Prompt 27: Everything is going to be OK.

What is one thing, a sign if you will, that has shown you that things will be just fine in 2012?

A sign that everything will be OK? Hmmmm...honestly, how can we ever know the answer to that?  Even just from one day to the next, how can we know everything will be OK?

Life is full of surprises, detours and curve balls.  I guess if I had to name one reason why I think everything will be OK for me in 2012 it would be this:

EXPERIENCE.

Life has not always gone how I wanted or expected it to go.  There have been surprises of all kinds in my life and some of the curve balls were made of cement and aimed directly for my heart and head.  

But I got through those moments and that experience tells me that I can get through anything 2012 decides to send my way.

The KathyHowe soapbox on successeful women.

I have a confession to make. I totally love Ted.com.  It is a source of some of my favorite, most insightful videos.  I have watched many of the videos more than once.  Including this one by Sheryl Sandberg on Why we have too few women leaders.

Watch it then come back here.  I'll wait.



I really like this video for a long list of reasons.  She is so right in all of her points and while I am not a C-level executive, I am in management and I can see how my choices are in line with some of her thoughts and ideas.

But one thing I thought was blatantly missing was any commentary about single mothers in the workplace. Specifically, single mothers that desire leadership roles.

Clearly, Sheryl is not a single mother so it is possible she didn't feel like this was a topic could comment on but I think if we are going to talk about women in leadership roles we cannot forget the single mothers out there who are busting their asses day and night to do everything for their children, their home, their careers and themselves. 

And they are doing it without the support of a significant other.

There are women out there that are exceeding in the workplace and at home and they are doing it all alone.  They are achieving because they deserve to achieve.  Because they worked hard and took chances.

They are not succeeding because they simply got lucky.

If any woman out there, single or coupled, wants to figure out how to manage it all and make it work, I suggest finding a single mother as a role model.

If a single mother can do it, why can't you?

/soapbox

Prompt 26: Outro

Earlier this month we revealed our theme song. Today, share with us the song you would like to be remembered by. Share with us your exit song.

 

Is that a little too personal or deep for you? Why not share with us the song that helps you leave 2011 behind and ring in the new

This is the first thing that came to mind.

Prompt 25: All is Love

Who do you love unconditionally? Who loves you unconditionally? Who do you love despite their flaws? All is love.

My children.

The end.

Prompt 24: Try

What is one thing (activity, food, career, event, travel, etc.) that you'd like to try in 2012? Why haven't you tried it yet? What makes 2012 the year to try it?

Well this is timely because just yesterday I would not have had an answer for this. 

Last night when I was out skiing it was suggested that I consider being a ski instructor. That is not something I have ever considered in my life.

My initial reaction was a burst of laughter.  Seriously? Me? Teach downhill skiing? That's funny considering I was just thinking that I need more lessons myself.

But when I thought about what it would really mean to be an instructor I thought maybe teaching is a good way to learn too.

I spent Friday night teaching my niece and nephew how to stop and turn on downhill ski's and the week before I attempted to teach them to snowboard.  Boarding was OK for my niece but my nephew was a bat out of hell on that thing.  But regardless, I had a great time chasing them up and down the hills on both of those days.

And while doing it, I was reciting the things my ski instructors had said to me JUST LAST YEAR. And as I said those things, I was reminding myself of things that I had actually forgotten from my own lessons.

I also started thinking about the clinics I have seen the instructors participate in to further their own skills. All of this exposure to teaching, being taught and spending time with more advanced skiers might be the ticket to advancing my own skills.

So I think next season, at the end of 2012 I will explore the idea of becoming an instructor. Before then I plan to join a ski group for women to pick up more tips and tricks for myself.  Then, maybe next year (when I'm not training for a marathon) I will have better skills and more time to explore the instructor idea.

Prompt 23: Today is all you have

It's true, today is all you have, so why not make the most of it? Describe your perfect day, one that you've had this year or one that you'd like to have next year. What makes it perfect for you?

My perfect day depends on so many things. My mood, the weather, the time of day and so on.

But there is never a bad day for a visit to Lake Superior.  Specifically to the spa I visit north of Grand Marais, MN.

When I am there I get the perfect mix of outdoors, fresh air, exercise and relaxation.  Not to mention AMAZING scenery, endless photo opportunities and days of me time.

This is all made even better by the fact that there is no internet access where I stay and I have to drive 40 minutes south and stand on just the right corner to get a cell phone signal.

That is the perfect day for me.

Prompt 22: Identify the Problem

Today's prompt is borrowed from Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project.

Identify the problem. That is, when you’re annoyed, angered, or frustrated, ask yourself, “What exactly is the problem here?”

Today, take a few minutes to ponder that one little, nagging issue that, if solved or eliminated, would make your life better. Perhaps, getting up five minutes earlier would make your life easier. Maybe smiling at that one coworker that drives you crazy would ease the tension. What small change in your life would or could make a big difference?

I need to get better at saying NO again.

I have let that slip a bit and I need to reclaim a few pieces of myself, of my life, of my time by putting that word back in my vocabulary.

Prompt 21: Embrace

We all have guilty pleasures - long baths, Shakira, Pabst, the Kardashians - and we can spend time and energy fighting and hiding them. Until we get tired of fighting them. And then we either stop endulging or we embrace them.

 

What guilty pleasure have you embraced this year? What have you just accepted as something you enjoy and stopped denying it? What do you enjoy that would surprise people that know you?

 

If you're still fighting your guilty pleasure, tell us what it is. Come clean. You'll feel a lot better.

 

(And I'll eat pretzel M&Ms and watch Teen Mom while I read about yours.)

I found out I like Spartacus. 

Does that count?

Prompt 20: Elevator Speech

If you had 30-90 seconds to describe yourself (give an elevator speech, how would you sum up who you are? Today's prompt would make a great video if you have the capabilities.


I could probably write a million elevator speeches for myself and apply them to different scenarios.  Mom, Individual, Runner/Cyclist/Ski Bunny, Professional.  But what I have on my Google Profile really sums up who I am pretty well in just a few words.  Does it describe all of me? No.  But neither does 10 years of writing in this blog. This really probably explains my personality better than anything:

A die-hard optimist with a quick wit, an addiction to laughter and a daily craving for chocolate that kicks in around 3pm. Yoga makes me cry, I've been called a beer snob and I have been known to laugh at my own jokes.

Prompt 19: Then and Now

What was your life like a decade ago? How has your life changed since then? If you're not feeling wordy today, why not show us some then and now portraits of yourself?

Ten years ago I was in the midst of ending my marriage and having quite possibly one of the worst years of my life.  Sadly, it would actually get WORSE before it got better but when it turned that corner, when it did get better, it over-achieved and it got GREAT.

It was an AWFUL time in my life for a long list of reasons and I am so glad for the lessons I learned from those experiences but I PRAY LIKE HELL that I never end up in that place again.

My life now is stable, secure and filled with happiness. I have always loved my career but I am THRILLED to say that I love it more every year. I look enjoy the work I do and I enjoy my extra curricular activities like running, cycling, mountain biking, skiing and snowshoeing. 

My kids are doing great, my house is finally getting some of the face lifts that it needs and I don't stare at my bedroom ceiling in the middle of the night wondering how the hell I'm going to pay bills and feed the kids.

I have worked my ass off to get where I am and a lot of people have given me incredible opportunities over the years. Every single day I am grateful for all that I have and all that I am able to do. 

Right now I am in the best financial, emotional and physical shape of my life.

Ten years ago I was in the worst shape in all of those categories.

Now ROCKS.

Happy donation day!

Woke up to thinking about people that can't afford gifts, food or housing this year. Was feeling incredibly blessed until my son burst into my room bitching about his Santa gifts.

Now I'm feeling more like kicking his ungrateful 11 year old ass.

Guess who is going to donate all of his Santa gifts this year?

Prompt 18: Traditions

This is the time of year when families are upholding decades old traditions and working to create new ones. It doesn't matter what you celebrate (or don't) ... please share with us your December traditions: how they got started, why you continue them, and why they are special to you.

I am adopting a new tradition in December. I have kind of done this off and on over the years and many people I know absolutely hate it. But it suits me well so I think I am going to formalize this a bit by actually stating it out loud.

My new December tradition is to do what I am inspired to do when it comes to celebrating the holidays.

That means this year, when I asked the kids if they wanted to put up the tree and they said no, I said "HOT DAMN! That stupid thing can stay in the attic!"

And we went downhill skiing for the day.

This also means that when I am invited to a holiday party that I don't really want to go to I will politely decline. No more attending events that I don't actually care about.

I think not doing some of these things will free up a bit of time and a lot of brain spin over-thinking things.  I think stating this new tradition out loud will also eliminate a bit of self-imposed guilt for not doing these things because HEY! Now this is a TRADITION for me.

And if traditions are important to everyone else they will surely recognize that my traditions are important to me.

RIGHT?!?!?
:)